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Fw: Keep the fork

Woman and a Fork

There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness
and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her
things 'in order,' she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her
house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.

She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures
she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.

Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the
young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.

'There's one more thing,' she said excitedly.

'What's that?' came the Pastor's reply.

'This is very important,' the young woman continued. 'I want to be
buried with a fork in my right hand.'

The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to

That surprises you, doesn't it?' the young woman asked.

'Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request,' said the Pastor.

The young woman explained. 'My grandmother once told me this story, and
from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those
I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of
attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of
the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over
and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that
something better was velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish
apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!'

So, I just want people to se e me there in that casket with a fork in my
hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want
to tell them: 'Keep your fork, the best is yet to come.'

The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young
woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would
see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a
better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what
heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much
experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.

At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they
saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand.
Over and over, the Pastor heard the q
uestion, 'What's with the
And over and over he smiled.

During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he
had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them
about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people
how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they
probably would
not be able to stop thinking about it either.

He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it
remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends are a
very rare jewel , indeed They make you smile and encourage you to
succeed . They lend an ear, they share a word of praise , and they
always want to open their hearts to us.

Show your friends how much you care. Re member to always be there for
them, even when you need them more. For you never know when it may be
their time to 'Keep your fork.'

Cherish the time you have , and the memories you share ..
being friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet

Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND even if it means sending
back to the person who sent it to you.

And keep your fork. (no matter how many times I get this, I have to
pass it on, cause I just love it !! )

Fw: Smile

Kids are wonderful

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new
baby sister.
After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is
one for hot and one for cold milk?'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I
love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer.
She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her
frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it
know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.
'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It
makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked:
'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were
hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his
Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know
what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my
wife fit in it?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read:
'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly,
rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a
while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this
particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Read Before Watching - This is unbelievable!

Read Before Watching - This is unbelievable!
Most see airport security as a pain. Some feel violated. When you watch this clip, you'll understand why they want your cell phone through the x-ray machine. If you get asked to test your cell phone at the airport, this is the reason. Cell phone guns have arrived. They are real. The attached video clip shows how cell phone guns
operate. These phones are not in the U.S. yet, but they are in use overseas.
Beneath the digital phone face is a .22 caliber handgun capable of firing four rounds in rapid succession using the standard telephone keypad. European law enforcement officials are stunned by the discovery of these deadly decoys. They say phone guns are changing the rules of engagement in Europe. Only when you have one in your hand do you realize that they are heavier than a regular cell phone.
Be patient if security asks to look at your cell phone or turn it on to show that it works. They have a good reason!
Wake up to our NEW WORLD!! We shouldn't complain about airport security 'invading your privacy.'


The doctor said, "Dan, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very
rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine,
and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
pressure is to remove the testicles."
Dan was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first
time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new
suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44
Dan" laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Dan tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Dan" admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about a new shirt?"
Dan thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Dan and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2
Dan was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Dan tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Dan walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear ?"
Dan thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Dan's waist and said,
"Let's see...size 36."
Dan laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18
years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34
underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine
you one hell of a headache."
New suit = $400
New shirt = $ 36
New underwear = $
Second opinion PRICELESS

Ian McFetters

WD 40

I thought that you might like to know more about this well-known WD-40 product.
The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a "Water Displacement" compound.
They were successful with the Fortieth formulation, thus WD-40.
The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their Atlas missile parts. The workers were so pleased with the product they began smuggling (also known as "shrinkage" or "stealing") it out to use at home.
The executives decided there might be a consumer market for it and put it in aerosol cans. The rest is history. It is a carefully guarded recipe known only to four people. One of them is the "brew master." There are about 2.5 million gallons of the stuff manufactured each year. It gets its distinctive smell from a fragrance that is added to the brew. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
Here are a few of the 1000s of uses:
~ Protects silver from tarnishing
~ Cleans and lubricates guitar strings
~ Gets oil spots off concrete driveways
~ Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery
~ Keeps flies off cows - (very important for us city folks - Mary)
~ Restores and cleans chalkboards
~ Removes lipstick stains
~ Loosens stubborn zippers
~ Untangles jewelry chains
~ Removes stains from stainless steel sinks
~ Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill
~ Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing
~ Removes tomato stains from clothing
~ Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots
~ Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors
~ Keeps scissors working smoothly
~ Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes
~ Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide
~ Lubricates gear shift and mower - deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers
~ Kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises
~ Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open
~ Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close
~ Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards and vinyl bumpers
~ Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles
~ Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
~ Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons and bicycles for easy handling
~ Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly
~ Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools
~ Removes splattered grease on stove
~ Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging
~ Lubricates prosthetic limbs
~ Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell)
~ Removes all traces of duct tape
~The favorite use in the state of New York
~ WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
~ WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. It's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
~Keeps away chiggers on the kids
~Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately, and stops the itch.
~WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
~Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and re-wash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!
~If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start. (If I knew what a distributor cap was, it might help)
~WD-40, long known for its ability to remove leftover tape smunges (sticky label tape), is also a lovely perfume and air freshener! Sprayed liberally on every hinge in the house, it leaves that distinctive clean fresh scent for up to two days!
~Seriously though, it removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
~Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
Then try it on your stovetop... Viola! It's now shinier than it's ever been.
It's the first thing that has cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle!

Does this ring a bell?

Dear All

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (PennyBrown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258 th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .....Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died interstate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mails to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum. And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the £ 5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your
favorite fast food when you were growing up?

"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed
him. "All the food was slow."

"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"

"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked
every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down
together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she
put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was
going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him
the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my
childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot
on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit
card. In their later years they had something called a revolving
charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe
it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck
anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly
because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that
weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We
didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my
grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and
white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the
screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom
third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was
perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding
across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens
taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza
pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the
cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin
and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car
in our family was my grandfather's Ford He called it a "machine."

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house
was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you
could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you
didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered
newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7
cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up
at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42
cents from my customers My favorite customers were the ones who
gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least
favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on
collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in
the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called
French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know
what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we
weren't allowed to see them.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you
may want to share some of these memories with your children or
grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in
December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In
the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew
immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She
thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I
knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board
to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons.
Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz: _**Count all the ones that you remember not
the ones you were told about Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxe*s
6 Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16 Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20.. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part
of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends...I did!

Weekly Cleaning List

Cleaning Poem
I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.

He asked if I'd been 'puting,
And I had to answer "yes."

He told me to get off my butt
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my work...
I didn't mean to 'click.'

But click, I did, and oops I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into...
I was into it all night. <<Sigh>>

Nothing's changed except my mouse
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess...
While I sit here on my hiney.